الرجل السياسي

الرجل السياسي يمثل آخر مرحلة من مراحل تطور الشخصية السياسية , و يتربع في أعلى السلم .
أساساً هو رجل من الطبقة العاملة ( عاملة بشو ؟ ما حدا بيعرف ) و يدعي أنه كان مناضلاً ذات تاريخ طويل في الحركة النقابية و العمالية , و يشيع عن نفسه أنه رجل من عامة الشعب يعيش أوجاعهم و يستشعر معاناتهم .
بإختصار يحب السياسي أن تنظر إليه الجماهير على أنه رجل down to earth و غاية في التواضع . ثقافته شعبية يستقيها من الوسط الشعبي عامة , و تشكل اللافتات و الإعلانات و المسلسلات و البرامج التلفزيونية أهم مكوناتها .
لكن هذا كله لا يعني شيئاً في عالم السياسة لو لم يكن حاذقاً و ماكراً , أي ” حربوق ” . فتاريخهم النضالي المزعوم لم يعد عليه بأكثر من آثار الضرب و بعض الرضوض و ليال طويلة في السجون كما يقولون , علماً أن البعض يقول أن ذلك مرادهم إلى كونهم لصوص سابقين على مستوى الأحياء الشعبية . و لكن روايتهم تبقى الأكثر شيوعاً على أي حال .
المهم أن السياسيين وصل بهم الحال إلى اليأس من هذه المسيرة التي لم يلح في أفقها النجاح يوماً , و كانت حياتهم تنحو نحو الأفول حين سطع النور في آخر النفق .
بكل بساطة و بلا طول سيرة , إلتحقو بركب ثورة آذار المظفرة , و طحشو في جو الأربعتعش او الثمانية وغيرها. لم يوفربعضهم مظاهرة و لا إعتصاماً , و لا تجمعاً إلا و كان منهم أول الحاضرين و أكثر المتحمسين . ألقو خلف ظهرهم بكل المفاهيم البالية التي علاها الغبار و تجاوزها الزمن , طهرو لسانهم من اللغة الخشبية و الشعارات الفارغة , كفرو بالنضال و الكفاح حقوق الكادحين , كسرو يسراهم حتى لا يخطر لهم أن يكونو يساريون , خلعو الكاكي و لبسو الأزرق والبرتقالي والوان قوس قزح , ثم ترحم بعضهم على الإتحاد السوفياتي و سارو في ركب الديمقراطية الأميركية .
أظهروا خلال أحداث الثورة نشاطاً و إلتزاماً دفعهم إلى واجهة الأحداث , فقد تبنى بعضهم خطاباً شعبوياً “ينشر عرض” كل ما هو وطني و قومي و عروبي و ما إلى ذلك , إعتنقو مذهب الحقيقة و آمنو بكتاب القرارات الدولية و صارو من أتباع الرسول ميليس , , و صارو يبتهلو يومياً لرب الثورة .
نسجو علاقات واسعة مع رفاقهم على درب الحداثة و التطوير , و من خلال هذه العلاقات حجو إلى المقامات المقدسة لأولياء السفارات الكبرى , و هناك أدو مناسك الطاعة و رجم الشيطان , و تم تعميد البعض فارساً من فرسان الثورة .
تطورت أحداث الثورة , و تمكنت من الظفر بالحكم , و خلال مسيرتهم البطولية سيتمكن القيمون عليها من أن ” ينجروا” مقعداً نيابياً .
و بعد أن قامو بذلك, رسى الخيار على x من أجل ترقيته إلى رتبة وزير , قبل هو المهمة متواضعاً لها , لا حباً بالحكم أو الكرسي لكن كرمى عيون الشعب و الثوار و خلاص الوطن .
تسلم مهامه الجديدة , و في أول لقاء صحفي له , فاحت رائحة الفضيحة .

س: معالي الوزير نبارك لكم منصبكم الجديد , نتمنى لكم التوفيق في هذه المهمة و أهلاً و سهلاً بكم .
ج : أهلاً بك , بون برازيلك , و مية سلام مربع للصحافيين الجدعان .
س : معالي الوزير ينظر بعض المراقبين و المعراضين أيضاً إلى تسلمكم لهذا الموقع بشيء من الشك كون ماضيكم السياسي غير واضح , و يعتقدون أنكم غير كفوئين للمنصب , فبماذا تجيبون ؟
ج : كلمتين , يا ناظري نظرة حسد أشكيك لواحد أحد , و عين الحسود فيها عود .
س : كيف يمكن أن تلخصوا سياسة الحكومة في هذه الظروف الدقيقة و الحساسة ؟
ج : سياسة الحكومة تقوم على شعار تلاتة بواحد , نظافة ريحة توفير .
س : هل يمكن أن توضحوا أكثر ؟
ج : النظافة في الأمن و الريحة في السياحة و التوفير في الإقتصاد . هناك إضطرابات أمنية و بقع و توتر و إهتزازات و رقصني يا جدع , لذلك سنشكل قوة من الحبيبات الزرقاء ذات القوة المضاعفة للقضاء على هذه البقع و إزالتها نهائياً .
اما في السياحة , فقد تسبب العهد الماضي بما حفل به من فساد بإنتشار روائح كريهة أزكمت أنوف المستثمرين و السواح , و لذلك سنستعين بمعطرات أجنبية من نوع باريس و سواها من أجل تعطير الأجواء و إضفاء روائح منعشة تعيد جذب السياح و المستثمرين .
أما في الإقتصاد فسنرفع الضرائب حتى نوفر على المواطن عناء التفكير في كيفية صرف معاشه , سنأخذه نحن و نصرفه عنه لمصلحة البلد . التوفير شعار المرحلة , و البضاعة بالكيس و الخمسمية بالجيبة . كما سنوقف الهدر و نربط مساربه جيداً لأنه لما تفك ما حتسك .
س : و كيف ستمولون هذه العملية ؟
ج : لقد قمنا بجولة على عدد من الدول الأجنبية و العربية , و كان الجواب الدين ممنوع و العتب مرفوع , أما أشقاؤنا العرب فقد أضافوا عبارة ” خاصة الأصدقاء و الأشقاء ” . لكن في النهاية يمكن لنا أن نبيعهم البلد و ما فيه مقابل قروض ميسرة , و الرزق على الله .
س : هناك دعوات متعالية للإصلاح , ماذا عن هذا المطلب ؟
ج : نحنا سمعنا هذا المطلب الباطل , ما نقوم به هو عين الإصلاح لكننا نقوم به بتمهل و دون تسرع لأن شعارنا لا تسرع فالموت أسرع . و لن نكترث للأصوات النشاز حتى لو جاءت من الإسكيمو , أسكيمو ما إسكيموش , إحنا ما يهمنوش .
س : ما هي الخطوط العريضة لسياستكم الخارجية ؟
ج : في هذا المجال سنعتمد سياسة كل حبة بكل محبة .
س : عفواً لم أفهم قصدكم ؟
ج : و لا أنا لكن الله يديم المحبة .
س: هل تسري هذه السياسة على العدو أيضأ ؟
ج : كلا سوف نتعاطى مع العدو بأسلوب بعد عن الشر و غني له , و الباب اللي بيجيك منه ريح سده و إستريح .
س : كيف ذلك ؟
ج : لست متأكداً لكن ما بدنا مشاكل مع حدا , و يهمني ان أؤكد أنني شخصياً بكره العدو ما بحبوش
س : هناك أطراف لها رؤية أخرى , و هذا يدفعني للسؤال كيف ستديرون الحوار في البلد من أجل الوصول إلى التوافق ؟
ج : نسكافيه , فالجلسة لا تحلو بدونها , و سيكون هناك بطاطا ماسترز و مكسرات و الكل سيكون سعيداً . س : كيف ؟
ج : سوف يكون هناك جوائز , على الأطراف جميعاً جمع الصور من أكياس البطاطا , و بالنهاية سيربح الكل و يسعد .
س : كيف تنظرون إلى تواجد الجيش في الجنوب رغم التفوق العسكري للعدو؟
ج : لا مشكلة , فلدي فكرة عبقرية لردم هوة التفوق للعدو . سوف نملأ كل آليات الجيش بمشروب red bull بدل الوقود , فتنبت لها جوانح و يصبح لدينا تفوق جوي .

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